dimanche, février 06, 2005 For about two years now, ever since I graduated actually, I've been feeling that I am unable to use my brain for proper thought processes anymore. It's not that I don't WANT to, it's that I am UNABLE to. I skim over articles, my eye unable to rest on a single article and read it through; I pick up words here and there, and the gist of the article comes with me, but I never commit to it, never delve into the flow of the words; my eye skips like a smooth stone over the body, and I find myself thinking of what to have for lunch.I look at the things I used to be able to do - debate, think, talk - and most of the time, I just sit back and think: why bother? Quite a number of people I know argue because they feel for some issue or other, but mostly, I think it's because they like the sound of their own voices. I want to debate because I find I want - no, I need the mental oiling of the brain that debate always offers to me. Yet, whenever an argument presents itself, most of the time, the loudest and most belligerent voice wins - or the most convoluted argument that no one can follow. Perhaps I am finding myself in unusual situations. I am taking part in the South-East Asia WSIS online discussion for internet governance, and it is peppered with sarcarstic remarks like "just because you don't know about it doesn't mean it doesn't exist." When I was writing my honours year thesis, everyone despaired at finding a topic because it seemed that Barenaked Ladies was right, It's All Been Done Before. And yet, we looked at what existed, and with the help of our supervisors, wrote at least 12,000 words each. Whither this spirit of learning? It wasn't like our teachers didn't know that our topics were old and rehashed - they did, but they never rebuked us like we were morons - unless we were being purposely thick for some reason. Smart people shouldn't squash people because they have superior knowledge - not without good reason. (Some valid reasons being that the idiot is really an idiot, or fool, or refuses to listen, or has taken part in Singapore Idol, or watches any form of Reality TV.) I guess what I'm saying is that I'm just frustrated that the two years of no school and utter BOREDOM has turned me into the one thing I can't stand most - a smart person with a stupid mental block. (Technically speaking, I should kill myself because I think purposely stupid people shouldn't be allowed to live.) For those who've asked, my grandma is fine, she's feeling sleepy and tired, but her operation was successful, and everyone's hoping that she'll get home by Chinese New Year. As for me, I spent this whole week sick, with a particularly nasty, nasty Friday, when my mother wanted to bring me to the A&E to attempt something only Gabriel Oak has done to sheep. [Waterlogged] |
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