looking for baudrillard, boorstin, or eco?

dare to hope for what is good
instead of what is merely good enough.
Dead in sin | Saved by grace | Living in hope | Walking by faith | Surviving on a prayer


+ sola scriptura + sola gratia + solus Christus + sola fide + sola Deo gloria +

mercredi, décembre 12, 2007

 It takes one to know one

Some of you know, some of you don't know, that I've been having a rough time of it lately. I'm coming out to say it because I've been staying away from a lot of social activities, and it's starting to show (although in most circumstances, it's quite hard to tell, like if I attend church, or a wedding and show my face, even though I don't hang around for food and chit-chat - or sometimes even when I do.) Am I depressed? Maybe. Yes. I don't know. I don't feel like myself, but it's not like I don't laugh anymore (although I feel less like doing so than ever before), or feel like killing myself. I think. But I feel bad about myself most of the time now, and I'm not very sure why. (Please do not diagnose SAD on me.)

The bottom line is this: grad school is tough, and I'm not talking just about academics - and it's really bringing me down. Lorraine has been a really great source of support for me in this aspect, since she's also pursuing her PhD. We chat online, since she's in the UK, and tonight, what we concluded was this: it really does take a postgrad student to know what a postgrad goes through.

Does it look like I'm very free? Sure, sometimes I have time for coffee and the freedom to go to the gym when it's not so crowded, but really, my time is malleable, not devoid of things to do. So yes, on most days, I can sleep in a little, but really, do you burn as much midnight and pre-dawn oil as I do to make up for it? Do not presume to know my schedule. Do not presume I feel any less stress than you.

My time is not my own - and it is fully not my own. It is up to the whims and fancies of idiosyncratic professors, who think that they own you just because they pay you a whopping $8 an hour as a research assistant. So while you should technically be able to turn off your computers at 6pm everyday and go home, there's no telling what I have to do in order to get the monkey with the PhD off my back.

The other thing we concluded: postgrad studies is limbo-land: you're not fully employed, but neither are you really a student. You're in limbo, and nobody really, really, truly understands unless they're a grad student themself. Not a parent who used to go to grad school, not a fresh graduate, not a person thinking about going to grad school - no. It's hard being in this state of maybe - and I think it's this state that I feel most keenly right now, and which is bringing me down.

I used to have a full-time job, you know. With regular income, and the freedom to save and spend my money as I saw fit. Now, I scrimp and save, while my peers still enjoy that freedom. Some complain about the rising cost of living, or complain about the amount of money they earn. I want to scoff and turn away, and tell them to shut up, because they're not the ones earning nothing, and they're the ones with huge bank balances - but I hold my tongue and smile, because it is what I often do - and more often than people give me credit for.

But I do not begrudge them this financial freedom. I have never been a spendthrift, and it was my choice to return to the Ivory Tower, and it has occurred according to my choice of school and course. Circumstances surrounding my brother's education have dictated that the responsible thing for me to do was to pay my own way through grad school, and through prudent spending, I have been able to support myself, although not for much very longer. This frustrates me, as well as gives me a sense of urgency and desperation that I have not felt before.

I do not like being pressed.

The urgency increases when I find myself being offered opportunities which might not come again. Opportunities for job at research institutes. Think tanks. Opportunities that I have to turn down because I'm in limbo-land. Not really fully engaged, but not fully employed either. No, I'm sorry, I can't apply for that job because I would like to work part-time as I finish my dissertation. I don't suppose you have a part-time programme for workers? No, I don't think it would be wise for me to complete my dissertation on a part-time basis, not given the type of job description I see here. No, I'm sorry, I can't be your debate coach because I'm just not sure if I will be able to make it twice a week to your school. I might make it once a week, but it's got to be after 6pm. No, I'm sorry, 2pm is a little bit out of the question, I might be needed in school. The responsible thing would be to say no.

Responsibility sucks sometimes.

Systemic failure forms the rest of my lament. While circumstances have dictated where I should study, the system has failed me time and time again when we speak of subjects to study. The course I really wanted required too much in terms of pre-requisites (I would practically have to take another degree in order to qualify for consideration for the course.) My current course had me expelled - yes, expelled - from the school on nothing more than the accusations of a philandering professor, who misrepresented me to the school. I was not told of anything amiss, and the board sat and condemned me merrily without me being the wiser, until two months later when I stumbled upon this precious knowledge, by which time (of course), it was too late to do anything. I was not told of anything, and was given no warning. The professor in question was facing sexual allegations (never officially pursued), and later was not censured in any way. He was allowed to get away scott-free - but the damage to me was done, without apology. I carry the albatross around my neck, and hope that I will get to exact the pound of flesh (with fresh blood dripping off), but I have faint hope that the day will come to pass.

Once bitten, twice shy - I now face the arduous task of choosing my supervisor yet again, without the help of the school. For someone who was not an undergraduate at the school, this is not an easy task. Professors are a shy species, and do not talk willingly. The school will not, cannot, shall not, help. They cannot be bothered with you - students? You pay the bills.

Dante got it right - all hope abandon ye who enter here, where "here" is a dirty three letter school acronym which is often mistyped as NUT. Hell is other people, Mr. Satre eloquently put. What he didn't realise is that a lof of them work in NUT.

So yes, this has been bothering me to some extent. Not much, just about as much as it takes to make a person generally withdraw from most social activity for about a month and a half. Just about as much as it takes to have a person be okay with leaving her mobile phone at home and just walking away from it. Just enough to get her to turn off her MSN and go radio silent for weeks at a time.


Not much.


Not much at all.

Libellés : ,

[It takes one to know one]
Sngs Alumni @ 12.12.07 { 4 comments }

4 Comments:

it's really nice to see u writing after such a long hiatus... take care, and have a good christmas if i don't see or hear fr u before that! :-)

By Blogger AK, at 12 décembre 2007 à 13:33:00 UTC+8

 

Hey babe. Just hold on, grit your teeth and get the hell out of there asap. - Mayee

By Anonymous Anonyme, at 13 décembre 2007 à 09:05:00 UTC+8

 

hugs. love ya loads.

By Blogger Unknown, at 14 décembre 2007 à 16:47:00 UTC+8

 

*pat pat*

By Anonymous Anonyme, at 17 décembre 2007 à 22:17:00 UTC+8

 

Post a Comment


+ moi +

+ PDL +

Musings on Rick Warren's Purpose-Driven Life (PII)

||01||02||03||04||05||
||06||07||08||09||10||
||11||12||13||14||15||
||16||17||18||19||20||
||21||22||23||24||25||
||26||27||28||29||30||
||31||32||33||34||35||
||36||37||38||39||40||


+ twitter +

+ booksneeze+

I review for BookSneeze

+ best of the web +

[lilies of e field]
[missiepixie]

+ les liens +

[blogtrbc] [adetan] [airong] [aang] [aileen] [ben+yimei] [bunny] [C.Kam] [camellia] [celesta] [chloe] [cornball] [derek+serene] [di] [dims] [elaine] [evangeline] [eunice leow] [eunice soh] [ft] [I-V] [jae] [jason w] [jazzymoo] [jemTiong] [jerming] [jing] [juian] [julian] [kimmeeee] [leon] [lolitapop] [marcus wang] [mai HS] [mark lim] [meiyen] [minghui] [onesimus] [p.k.] [praisie] [puden] [puchuan] [qy] [sam.wong] [serena] [sharon] [sherryn] [shuhui] [simone] [skinnydrummer] [soaps] [soul survivor] [stan] [stee] [titus] [weilong] [yimei] [yining] [yunyu] [zhizhen]

[me@deviantArt]
[me@livejournal]
[me@YouTube]
[me@Multiply]
[me@Twitter]


+ before i die +

Stuff I'd Like
Lake Tahoe
Borobudor
Pyramids, Egypt
Laos
Boro Boro
Cambodia (Ankor Wat)
Taj Mahal
Bali
Great Ocean Road
Maldives to DIVE!
Great Barrier Reef to DIVE!
Christmas Island
See a penguin in the wild
Christ the Redeemer statue in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil


make ur own map!


+ archives +

juillet 1990
décembre 1990
décembre 1998
mars 1999
novembre 1999
décembre 1999
janvier 2000
février 2000
mars 2000
novembre 2000
décembre 2001
janvier 2002
août 2002
septembre 2002
octobre 2002
décembre 2002
janvier 2003
février 2003
mars 2003
avril 2003
mai 2003
juin 2003
juillet 2003
août 2003
septembre 2003
octobre 2003
novembre 2003
décembre 2003
janvier 2004
février 2004
mars 2004
avril 2004
mai 2004
juin 2004
juillet 2004
août 2004
septembre 2004
octobre 2004
novembre 2004
décembre 2004
janvier 2005
février 2005
mars 2005
avril 2005
mai 2005
juin 2005
juillet 2005
août 2005
septembre 2005
octobre 2005
novembre 2005
décembre 2005
janvier 2006
février 2006
mars 2006
avril 2006
mai 2006
juin 2006
juillet 2006
août 2006
septembre 2006
octobre 2006
novembre 2006
décembre 2006
janvier 2007
février 2007
mars 2007
avril 2007
mai 2007
juin 2007
juillet 2007
août 2007
septembre 2007
octobre 2007
novembre 2007
décembre 2007
janvier 2008
février 2008
mars 2008
avril 2008
mai 2008
juin 2008
juillet 2008
août 2008
septembre 2008
octobre 2008
novembre 2008
décembre 2008
janvier 2009
février 2009
mars 2009
avril 2009
mai 2009
juin 2009
juillet 2009
août 2009
septembre 2009
octobre 2009
novembre 2009
décembre 2009
janvier 2010
février 2010
mars 2010
avril 2010
mai 2010
juin 2010
juillet 2010
août 2010
septembre 2010
octobre 2010
novembre 2010
décembre 2010
janvier 2011
février 2011
mars 2011
avril 2011
mai 2011
juin 2011
août 2011
septembre 2011
octobre 2011
novembre 2011
décembre 2011
janvier 2012
mars 2012
avril 2012
mai 2012
juin 2012
août 2012
novembre 2012



[lpsd 2003-2009.]